Turbulence

source: flickr.com

I know that I should start my first post with a positive one, so that everyone can be inspired to get a better life. And I'm sorry that I can't fulfilled that expectation. I'm not in the mood of inspiring anyone because I'm in the phase of being numb; when every single suggestions and encouragements doesn't work at all.

Everything starts when I move to Bali, the place where I'm staying now. I got a new job, and I should be happy for it. Yes, I'm happy. And I'm proud of my self. But move to Bali is never being my in plan until I met this guy who brings this turbulence.

I met him last year, during my six-month internship program. We were a partner in one section and it made us spent a lot time together. As the time goes by, a shitty feeling grew in me, unexpectedly, he was slowly giving me hope. At that time I don't want to considered my feeling because I would leaving soon. And then I left to my hometown. I continued my studied, finished my duty as last-semester student, and during that time, we were still keeping in touch and we became much closer emotionally. Until one day, he told me that he was coming to town but I couldn't meet him because of my part time job. He was disappointed. And I know I just did a mistake. The next moment, I finally got a job in Bali and he was in spirit to help me during my stay. He made me believe that I could count in him whenever I need him later.

But he broke his promise.

Since the first day I came back to Bali, he never shown up. If I didn't meet him in sudden, he would never try to see me again. Once in a while, he contacted me and we became closer (again) until we made plan to see a concert. While he was already buy the ticket, I told him that I should go back to my hometown because my Mom was sick. I know I just make him disappointed (again), but I couldn't help it. And if he truly that disappointed, why didn't he think that he was me? Did I have choices? Did I expect that my Mom would sick?

And there are a lot of thing happen between us that make me couldn't have time to be together with him and it seems we meant to be NOT together. I still trying to make it work until one day I confess him about my feeling. He was shock and I could understand but then he behave like nothing happen. And somehow, I feel he start to staying away.

Well, I'm not good in telling what's inside my head, so I'm trying to write in this blog. And this post is just a little piece of scattering shits that messed up my current life and if I were you, the reader, I would say that it's all because I'm expecting too much on someone that doesn't have anything towards me, since the beginning. It's something that they called as one sight love, and it will never ever works out.

The point that I want to say here is, I feel sorry to my self. To people that I left behind, especially my parents and my friends in my hometown to chase my ambitions which 70% of them was because of him. And I feel sorry for being this stupid. This love-shit-obsession really messed up everything.

And now, since we were being disconnected, I feel lost. I couldn't find any reason to survive in this place anymore. I know it was so wrong. I know I became that unprofessional since it quiet affect my work; I became a robot. Nowdays, the very first thing that comes in my mind every morning is regret and everyday I just work and get a sleepless night. I often wake up every hours during my night sleep and that makes me wake up as a zombie in the next day. Despite thinking of that asshole, I also start worrying about my future life. I'm afraid that I don't have time to be give a better life for my parents. I'm afraid that I will trapped in this situation forever. I'm afraid of anything scary that I don't even understand and lately I'm afraid that it turns into anxiety.

A lot people told me that I should see the doctor to checking up my mental healthiness. And it drives me crazy again that I'm afraid knowing the truth if I do get the disorder. Lately, this stressful trashes in my head affected into my physical condition.

I’m feeling like there are too many tabs open in my head now. And I’m tired of it. It’s been three hours since I started to type this post and today is getting an end. Tomorrow I have to work and back to my robotic life and I still don’t get the idea when it will be ended.

xoxo,c.